Prisoner of the Wizard’s Harem

Cover art by George Sportelli ((See more of his work at www.sportelli.blogspot.com))

Last week, I finally scratched an item off my to-do list that had been there since… well, longer than I care to admit. I finally bought and read Shon Richards’ Prisoner of the Wizard’s Harem ((available from Lulu.com for $9.99 ebook or $19.99 paperback)).

If you’re as old as I am, you’ll remember that Dungeons & Dragons was all the rage back in the early ’80s. Several spinoffs, including Choose Your Own Adventure (CYOA) books, were very popular because they had the benefit of giving you a sword-and-sorcery adventure without the hassle of getting all your friends together and arguing about who was going to be the Dungeon Master this time. Each page of a CYOA book lead you a bit deeper into the story and presented you with options. If you wanted to draw your sword and attack wildly, you’d be instructed to turn to a specific page. If you wanted to run like hell and fight another day, you’d be sent to a different page. Shon’s book Prisoner of the Wizard’s Harem is just like those, except that his book has a lot more sex in it. (More on that in a minute.)

Who is Shon Richards?

Shon Richards is a writer of erotica, but not plain “vanilla” erotica. He doesn’t write about longing, or slow seductions, or romantic dinners. Rather, reading Shon’s work is like reading the script of a Quentin Tarantino movie. It’s over-the-top, action-packed, outrageously campy, and unabashedly fun.

Shon keeps up a steady pace of posting fiction at his Erotiterrorist blog, a site he’s maintained since 2005. I first began reading his work two years ago and, during that time, he’s managed to squeeze out several books in addition to his regular offerings. “I really ought to read one of those,” I said. Now, I finally have.

More Sex–and Lots of It

When you read Prisoner of the Wizard’s Harem, you assume the role of Nash Nighthammer, a hero of epic proportions. You’re armed with good looks, a chiseled body, a loin cloth, helmet, and a war hammer–plus whatever wits you, the reader, bring to the story. Off you go into the dungeons of the wizard’s harem where you’ll fight female monstrosities and face dangerous seductresses of all kinds. You’ll fight living statues, you’ll face fearsome ogres ogresses. There’s a dwarf. There’s a vampire. There’s a dryad. There’s a water elemental. There’s a hideous Fuckbeast, which I’ll admit gave me quite a bit of trouble. (Spoiler alert: Despite it’s name, you do not want to stick your dick in this thing.)

Navigating through a book like this is not a straightforward process. One choice leads to another and, before you know it, you (as Nash Nighthammer) could be dead. (“I died? Fuck, I knew I should’ve used the magic condom!”) Retracing your steps requires more than just flipping back a few pages and trying again. At first I tried keeping a finger at all the crucial decision points. That system soon failed because I ran out of digits and couldn’t remember which finger corresponded to which decision. “Have I already fucked the dryad? No, that was before the dwarf. Was it after the cook? So when did the ogresses eat me?”

Eventually, I took notes, which helped a lot. Here’s a sample:

• 166 which hole?
• 181 birds or breeze?
• 290 which drink?
• 139 Fuckbeast!
• 263 orgy door
• 185 giantess’ tit
• 45 demon queen
• 180 cook
• 165 dwarf
• 169 ogresses
• 109 COCKY

Shon gives us a fair warning at the very beginning of the book: “There is only one happy ending in the story and many ways to fail.” By taking notes, I was able to find that happy ending–and I got there via several different paths on several different read-throughs. I also found the various ways to fail. “Your adventure is over.” I grew to hate those words.

To Read or Not to Read

Read it. That’s my advice. More than that, spend the extra money to buy the paperback version ((I make no money either way.)). For a story like this, where your character’s next step might be 100 pages forward or back from your current page, there’s nothing like having a paper product in your hands to make the flipping more immediately gratifying. Put another way, if you’re old enough to remember geeking out on CYOA books, then you’re just not going to be happy searching through a PDF file.

Here’s a sample of my favorite lines, fairly indicative of what you’re going to find in the book on the adventure:

• “Enough foreplay!” Scar says. “Now we fuck!” You are in no position to argue.
• “Fuck!” she roars. “Asshole hit my asshole!”
• The smell of sex invades your nose right before a tiny cock pushes up into your nostril.
• It’s like fucking the fires of Hell, but a lot wetter.
• As the Ogress cries out in passion, your head explodes in a cloud of bone, blood, and brains.

Still not convinced that you want to risk your hard-earned money? Check out Shon’s blog, Erotiterrorist. He posts more fiction there in a year than most writers produce in a lifetime. Try to keep your hand out of your pants and a smirk off your face while you read. I’ll bet you can’t. Spend even an hour perusing his archives and you’ll have no doubt that this book–or any of his books, for that matter–are worth every penny of the asking price. Probably more.

Shon’s books are available via Lulu.com. He’s also written a review of The Art of Blowjob which appears on this blog. (You know how to click and follow links, right?)